I hereby publically nominate myself Wingman of the Year for my performance last night, taming that wilderbeast of a woman while Saffron fucked her friend. I thought it was bad enough when he made me dance with her for 10 minutes at the club. But no, he decided to pull, and that Yeti of a woman came in tow.

Even when she invited herself into my room and sat on my bed, I talked and talked my way through the biggest time-wasting conversation of my life. When she pushed me down, strattled me with her massive thighs and told me I was going to be her first white boy, still… I didn’t panic. I even tried to hold my breath, close my eyes and “take one for the team”, although my resolve waned somewhere around her showing me her burn scars and telling me about all of her illegitimate kids.

No, the trials and tribulations came after she engorged herself on my face and almost ripped my $80 Seven Diamonds shirt. But the sheer fright and panic came once she told me of her family members dying of AIDS and one of her baby’s-daddy’s being “a big black man in Barbados — no, I don’t remember his name.”

Thank God your little asian might only sustained as long as it did, because the slaps and moans coming from the other room only served to turn on that fucking troll of a woman even more. I may not have survived much longer.

Saffron. May your penis wilt away the way my dignity did. You owe me.