Your posts get more and more interesting – well done.

I totally agree. I have not had a great deal of relationships but those which I did get into were where shared interests and physical attraction meant my narrow radar was being met. Or to say I have chosen not to get into relationships.

I think you can always find women but will you ever find someone who really gets you going and really meets your needs!? Not sure. I find very physical attractive women to be very boring as all their life they’ve had all they wanted just through their looks and expect men to treat them in a certain way – like a princess – not like a normal human being as I would see it. Then with some girls who are more intellectual there’s almost the opposite.

It’s not bad to suffer this paradox. Get as well paid a job as you would like, work out to get a body you are happy with and read lots of books. Not only are you more attractive to women but the social life and confidence comes will be there too.

Keep up the good work on the blog posts!

I could be totally off with this. Just throwing it out there.

I get the sense that maybe this isn’t so much about whether girls can objectively meet a standard or not.

Isn’t part of successfully being with someone long term not about finding the perfect, flawless person, but in finding someone who’s more or less what you’re looking for, and then accepting that no one will be totally perfect, and making peace with their flaws?

That attitude is something that comes from within. If you have this sense that no one is good enough for you, then the answer isn’t in some perfect woman out there, it’s in changing your view of things.

Also, not to try to sound harsh or anything, but the last line of your post came off as a bit melodramatic to me. I’ve found that when people get dramatic like that about something in there lives, it’s often a sign that how they feel is more a passing phase (e.g., they get all “woe is me” in the moment because they’re in a temporary funk)…

I think this is a case of which priorities you have for the woman you want to end up with. Take a look at some very successful people (by their own definitions), and you won’t find many of them have ended up single.

For example, if we take self-development as a measure of success, then let’s take a look at some giants of self-help; Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, Tony Robbins, Steve Covey, Brian Tracey, and my personal favourite, Steve Pavlina. All these guys have been married, some of them twice. From what I’ve read, there is no reason to suggest that these relationships were guys settling because they couldn’t find anyone at their own level. The women they married may not have been beautiful, highly financially successful, etc, but they still were amazing and special to those men.

The same case can go for politically successful men, such as Barack Obama, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi (he was celibate, but still married). These men all achieved inspirational things, that their wives didn’t come close to matching. Again, there is nothing to suggest this was settling on the men’s part. If you’ve read David Deida’s ‘Way of the Superior Man’ (which I’m guessing you have), you’ll remember how he talks about how a woman will constantly test her man, even when he has achieved great success. Deida uses the example of a man coming home to his wife with the news that he has made a million dollars, and with his wife being unfazed by this achievement, and criticizing him for forgetting some groceries.

The point of this form of Memento Mori (come on Mr. Intellectually un-stimulable, you better not have to have googled that one) is that the woman’s role here is to keep her man grounded no matter what his achievements. To see the bigger picture. Now I don’t know if you subscribe to Deida’s views of feminine and masculine energy, personally he takes it too far for me, but he makes a good point. The women for the aforementioned men are not their to match the men in the areas of their success, but to complement them. If you see the feminine energy as being nurturing, caring, kind, etc, then for these men the women are the ying to the masculine yang of goal-setting and achieving, conquering and overcoming.

Now let’s use one more example, that I think might be a bit more pertinent to you. Money as a measure of success. Take a look at Warren Buffet, Larry Ellison, and everyone’s favourite, Donald Trump. Larry Ellison has had four wives. Warren Buffet has not been in a functioning relationship since the 70’s. As for Donald Trump… try telling me that Melania Klauss is not a trophy wife. These men have valued money, looks, and social status in their lives, and it shows.

There are holes to this argument. There are very successful business men who have had perfectly happy relationships. Buffet is famous for his frugality, and lack of expensive material possessions, so perhaps he doesn’t value money as much as the others. But I think as generalisations, the argument works.

What do you value in a woman? You talk of wanting intellectual stimulation that no woman can provide you. Would Arundhati Roy, Susan Sontag, Simone de Beauvoir and Germaine Greer have left you unsatisfied in this area?

Spiritually? Mother Teresa, Marianne Williamson, Alice Bailey, Linda Goodman.

Physically? According to you, this should take about five minutes in NYC. Also, I’ll put Marianne Williamson in here, because in her day she was damn fine.

Emotionally? Again, many of the women above fall into this category.

Now I would never wish Germaine Greer on anyone’s poor soul, but there are women in all these categories who are far more successful than both you and I. You might have a great body, but Miranda Kerr’s is better. Yes you’re different genders, but hers is so good you can make that analysis.

You might have reached spiritual enlightenment, but I bet there’s a female monk high up in the Wutai Shan mountains who achieved it first.

You might be a member of Mensa, but so are Jodie Foster, Geena Davis, and bizarrely, Shakira. And Georgia Brown beat you there in terms of age.

I think the whole Madonna-Whore complex that you’ve admitted to (no judgment, I’ve definitely got it too) is a good sign that there are many women more emotionally developed than you.

I’m just going to call this one as I see it. I think you’re still obsessed with physical appearance, and that you probably won’t find a woman who can satisfy your desire to be intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically stimulated until you can get past that. Everyone in the community talks about how Alpha Males don’t seek others approval, so they will date and sleep with anyone they want, because they aren’t looking for validation when they sleep with hot women. You allude to this in a post where you discussed how a friend of yours commented how a lot of instructors/gurus end up with a girl who isn’t really that hot. And that your last girlfriend was only a seven in your eyes.

I’ve read every single blog post of yours since entropypua.com became a website. I started reading just before the transition from your old blog (I miss some of those LR’s man!), and recently I went back and took notes from every blog post on the site that I thought was worth reading (there were a lot), when you said that some of the content was going to be removed. I think for someone who has never met you, I have a pretty decent insight into your mind. Similarly, with Steve Pavlina (like I said, he’s my favourite), I’ve read hundreds of his blog posts. He’s also a pretty complex guy, but he’s even more open and honest than you, so I feel like I’ve got a decent insight into his mind as well.

Intellectually, Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally, Steve blows you out of the water. No offence, but the guy is 39 years old, and he’s been working on self-development since he was 20. He finished a four year degree in 1 and a half years. He’s written one of the best self-development books I’ve ever read, if not the best. He exercised 30 minutes daily, on top of yoga and other forms of exercise, for more than a year without missing a day. I’ve read testimonials from hundreds of people as to the incredible connections they’ve had with the guy upon meeting him. He’s sampled Buddhism, Taoism, Islam, etc, to build his own spiritual system. He covers all four of those bases you’ve put as your own standards.

Google Erin Pavlina and Rachelle Fordyce. One is his ex-wife, and the other is his current girlfriend. Would either of these women rate highly enough physically to make your standards? If you’re curious as to the nature of his relationships with these women, have a bit of a search around his blog. You’ll find that with Erin he was married for 15 years, had kids, and maintains a friendship after an extremely harmonious divorce. With Rachelle he enjoys a loving relationship, that is intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically stimulating (they participate in D/S). Rachelle, in my opinion and no doubt many other readers of your blog, is not a highly physically attractive woman. Neither is Erin.

When Steve talks about relationships, I can tell that physical attractiveness plays a far distant fourth to the other three qualifiers that you’ve employed. I’ve never heard him use a rating scale.

I respect and admire the transformation you’ve made in your life, especially with women. I recognise that I have years ahead of me to realise that kind of success in my self. Nevertheless, it seems to me that you’re still blind to your own obsession with physical beauty. You may have reached a level where you can date a ‘7′, and not feel that her looks matter to you in making that decision. What if the women I’ve mentioned above fulfilled all of your criteria in terms of intellectual, emotional capacity, and spiritual development? Would you date them, despite the fact that they are not even ‘7’s? Personally, I don’t know if I would, and that’s something I know I have to overcome.

I await your reply!

Holy shit… some seriously amazing comments here. Will need a day or two to read, digest and respond.

Oh, one thing I forgot to add is I remember a while ago you were critiquing an article Brad P put up where he was complaining about not being able to find quality girls.

A comment you made that stuck with me was that it seemed like he was on the ‘Community Hamster Wheel’ of constantly trying to get better and better girls. You also said something like, “Come on Brad, it’s not *that* hard to find a girl who’s good looking, and fairly smart and cool” (I’m paraphrasing from memory, but that’s the gist of it)

This post’s complaint isn’t about the exact same thing, but the contrast between what you’re saying now, and what you said back then stood out to me.

—

The other thing this post made me think of was that idea that for men, getting into a serious, long-term relationship is more a frame of mind than anything to do with a girl. It’s that saying, “Women are ready to settle down when they feel they’ve found the right guy. For men, the ‘right girl’ is whoever they’re with when they’re finally decide they want to settle down”

“…well, not to be dick, but I’ve always found it hard to find a girl (or person) who can stimulate me intellectually.”
I think it would help if you could narrow this down a bit. Can you give an example of an intellectual interest of yours that girls should share, but don’t? I’ve found that few girls share my intellectual interests, but I don’t disqualify them for that. The smartest girl I know (by far) doesn’t read because she feels it’s a waste of time, better to experience life than dwell on the abstract. I guess when you’re a hot chick, like she is, a lot of what you can do beats reading a book, and she convinced me and changed my views on intellectuals.

@Eros
“Would you date them, despite the fact that they are not even ‘7’s? Personally, I don’t know if I would, and that’s something I know I have to overcome.”
Overcome? Why?
I have this argument with my PhD friends who want me to date their non-hot friends. Consider this; a truly intelligent woman knows that looks matter and that she has to maximize them to have the most options. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’ve met several women who do this, they may not think that’s the way things should be, yet they know that’s how things are and play the game like the best. Granted, these hot and smart women are rarely single because every guy that meets them quickly realizes what gems they are and holds on to them for dear life, I know I have.

“Judge me ONLY by the content of my character” is fine for a business partner to say, but not for the woman who will share my bed. The way you look is part of who you are and in some cases it’s the most important characteristic. They know we expect them to be hot, if they’re smart, they’ll deal with it and just be hot. And for most women under 35 it shouldn’t be that hard. Put Tolstoy down and pick up Treadmill instead.

“…[guys'] gaze reminded you of where you were, which was exactly at the exact center of the fucking universe, young, hot women of privilege at the very peak of everything that was desirable, the very apex of all in life that was worth coveting. And who the hell wanted to sleep through that.”
-“The Privileges”

@Lou, no offence my friend, but I think you and I are on two very different wavelengths.

Some truly intelligent women know that looks matter and think ‘this isn’t fair but it’s the way it is’ and do their best to be as sexually attractive as their genes allow them to be. Other truly intelligent women know that looks matter to some men, but that there are equally desirable men out there who do not demand good looks in a partner. These women accept the results of their genes and find those men, choosing to focus on the things in life that matter to them more than being sexually attractive in the eyes of the average model-idolizing American man. Do not mistake this lack of obsession with looks with a disregard for personal appearance. These women may still focus on maintaining a good body, eating healthily, and developing personal fashion.

There are men out there who are successful in many different ways; financially, intellectually, spiritually, etc, who do not value looks enough to place them as a priority in the women they look for. These men are not settling. These men do not suffer from self-esteem issues that prevent them from going for more beautiful women. These men truly value attributes such as being an emotionally healthy person, being well-read, having a positive contribution to the world. If you don’t believe these men exist, then you will never find them, and you will never be one. Perhaps being one of these men doesn’t matter to you, but I think it matters to Mark, and I know it does to me.

Honestly, I hope the women that come into my life are beautiful both inside and out. But there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind as to which of the two is more important to me. If you googled either of the two female names I mentioned in my previous rant, you’ll probably agree with me that neither of these women would be deemed beautiful in the eyes of the average model-idolizing American man. There’s probably nothing they could ever do, besides drastic plastic surgery (hey that rhymes), to become that beautiful, so I don’t think your point about putting Tolstoy down and getting on the treadmill is valid.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that the majority of people are not highly attractive. The majority of people do not reach the physical standards that a guy who regularly sleeps with attractive women has. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but when you walk into a bar or club, very few of the women in the bar are highly attractive. This is because even though many of the women in that bar are at the peak of their attractiveness (are in the best years of their life, are wearing the most flattering clothes, and have make-up on), they are still not that attractive. The fact is beautiful women are far between and few, and this is because most people are actually not that attractive, no matter how hard they try. Look at bridal photos (not ones in a bridal magazine obviously); are the women, supposedly the most beautiful they’ve ever been, even that gorgeous? Obviously if it’s your sister, lie through your teeth and say yes. Otherwise, no.

When you walk into a bar, there is more likely to be 5 ‘6’s and 2 ‘9’s than the other way around. The question that I’m asking is, if it turned out that one of the ‘6’s was more interesting intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, than anyone else in the bar, would you still be trying to take home one of the ‘9’s?

Granted, I don’t have much experience as I am just getting started with “getting girls”, but I’ll post my two cents anyway.

A guy I very much respect once said, the goal of pu/self development should be that you are able to give yourself everything you need and all you need your partner for is sex, because it’s more fun with two people involved.

If you are over that breaking point (if it even exists), then you could still settle for a non-perfect girl. What’s so bad about that? Find a cute girl, that stimulates you emotionally, and get your intellectual stimulation elsewhere.

Wow, you are so right.

While it is always a chore to find new women, I generally know within minutes to an hour how long and how the relationship will develop. I do not have a 100% close rate by any means, and more that a few quality women slip past me. I am not sure I am ever going to be satisfied with one woman either.

I think the ones that slip past often pick up that I am a complete ‘player’. ENC did say something interesting that you should be the point that you only need the woman for sex. I rush into sex with women, not because I need the sex (I get way more than I need) but it is a filter. Lots of women are terrible in bed. I want to know right away so I can ‘next’ them.

Some great comments, and much has already been said, so I will say this:

I understand what you are saying. Like, 100%. Makes perfect sense. As I’ve mentioned to you just the other week – I had a girl that I was EXTREMELY stimulated with, intellectually, emotionally, and physically – you talked about eventually “upgrading” and I agreed – it’s just going to be hard to top what I had, I think. Even in my semi-depression I’ve met a bunch of chicks but none so far reach the same levels.

So, to make it short: fantastic post, totally understand, and do agree.

Fucking women…… (said with love).

This ties into this situation that I keep having.

I’ll meet a woman. Like her. Have a great first date, then move to the second one. Have sex. And then all of a sudden – poof – I would just like her to disappear from my living room ASAP. It’s bloody annoying. I end up looking like this complete player where I ‘got her in bed’ and then ditch her.

While in fact, I would just really like to meet someone that I want to have sex with more than once and actually, I’d like to have a girlfriend to love and cherish. No need whatsoever anymore to be a vagrant player. But for some reason lately, once I’ve had sex with a girl once all the attraction disappears.

I know, it’s a chase thing. The worst part is that before we bed each other, I’ll be thinking ‘Wow. This is a really great woman. I’d love to spend more time with her’. Maybe I should hold off sex to really cement that feeling but I don’t really think that’s the thing here. Whatever’s going to happen, will happen between two people.

And is there actually a woman out there that isn’t going to turn me off at some point? I think it lies somewhere deep down inside. I was probably raped and let down horribly by my mum or something

@Ben: Most guys have that to some extent at some point in their life I feel like. But when it becomes chronic, I think it signals a deeper emotional (inner game) issue. Fear of commitment, fear of vulnerability, etc. Speaking from experience here.

Full follow up to comments coming later today.

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