Development, Inner Game, Lifestyle, Personal - Monday, December 21, 2009 12:47 - 8 Comments

Sexual Maturity

Generally happy with the reactions to my last post relating the story in which I passed up a sexual opportunity. One commenter asked if I would describe my own process and how my views towards sex have evolved as I’ve become better with women. I suppose this will be kind of a companion-post to My Personal PUA Journey that I posted months ago.

1. Sex, the Exhalted – Pre PUA community days, generally felt the same way about sex that probably most men who never get laid do: namely, that it’s a huge deal, and something that you earn from women through respect and trust. Not rare, but not exactly common either. Accompanied with this perception of sex, I also had a strange belief that women wouldn’t sleep with a guy who wasn’t their boyfriend. Don’t ask me where the hell I got this notion, but it actually sabotaged a number of my early lays as I was terrified hooking up with a girl would lead to weeks and months of endless phone calls.

2. Kid in a Candy Store - As I got good enough to actually get laid, it took on a different flavor. On the one hand, I was getting laid regularly, but on the other, it was this completely new and exciting lifestyle. “Holy shit, I banged TWO girls this week!” Or “OMG, I actually have a girl who just wants me to nail her and nothing else.” Ahh, these were the good old days. Things were simple and I was a bit oblivious to the nuance and idiosyncrasies of casual sexual relationships, not to mention extremely emotionally closed off and unaware.

3. A Fucking Assassin - The candy store phase faded after about 10-15 lays and this phase set in: the mindset of a singularly-minded killer. I was out for one reason, and one reason only, and if a girl expect something from me, ANYTHING from me, before spreading her legs, how dare she? If I’ve ever been misogynistic in my life, this would probably be the 6-12 month period. Looking back, I had a lot of anger issues towards women that I think I was trying to take out by fucking everything that moved. Coincidentally, this was also the period that I became highly regarded in the community and started coaching. After meeting a number of coaches in the scene, I can say that a number of them are cemented in this phase for one reason or another. It’s not a bad place to be: you get laid constantly, have a ton of fun, and party like a rockstar. But ultimately, it’s not fulfilling in the long-term. If you look at the posts REALLY early on in this blog or from some forums, you can see this phase. I read some of my old posts from this period and am amazed… it’s like reading a different person. I was borderline obsessive, a bit bitter and probably not 100% healthy.

4. Burn out and disinterest - After about a year, things got old. Banging a few dozen girls didn’t make me any less pissed off or any less lonely. The novelty of coaching wore off and it actually became… you know, a job. I had threesomes, models, sugar mamas… and at the end of the day, everything was still the same as it was before… PUA is what you make it: either you beat your pathologies or your pathologies beat you — either way, PUA will let you do it. I was at a crossroads. Do I continue down the path of degeneracy and soulless vaginal destruction? Or do I try to develop myself as a person? The “sex” monkey was off my back and I was no better a person for it. So what do I do now?

There are a number of posts on this blog from this phase. It was quite a confusing time for me. I just remember having to forgive myself for not caring as much. I constantly felt like a pussy and then realized how fucked up that was. After 2-3 years of a steady stream of womanizing, I realized my priorities kind of got out of whack.

5. Emotional Euphoria and Illusions - My answer was to seek some help, get myself together and actually… *gulp* commit to some of these women. What it ended in was some sort of emotional blossoming. My relationships suddenly became more vibrant, deeper and more personal. Suddenly I’m falling in love with women everywhere and them with me. I thought I had found the great Atlantis of pick up. Everything was to change.

Unfortunately, I found this to be little different than the “Assassin” phase. Instead of a sexual assassin, I had just become an emotional one. Instead of filling my voids with sexual conquests, I tried to do it by women loving me like they had never loved anybody. And in the end… this didn’t change anything. Yes, emotional relationships are important, just as sexual relationships are, and yes, I’m grateful for being able to become adept at them, but once again, on the road to long-term personal happiness and fulfillment, this was another vehicle, not the destination.

6. Equilibrium and Apathy - Fast forward to now. I very much feel in a different place than I’ve ever been before and feel like I’m transitioning to something else. But what I’ve come to realize that last few months is that none of these realizations have been answers, but rather further and deeper questions.

Originally, I exalted women and put them on a pedestal. So with the community, I used sexual conquest to knock them down. But then sexual conquest was on a pedestal. I then used emotional intimacy and same night love to knock that down and replace it. But as all of those relationships either came to a close or proved to be fairy tales, that proved to be a false idol as well.

All of these things are partial truths, none the whole.

So what’s left? I don’t know. I’m in a very strange place. But I know two things for certain right now:

1) I feel quite apathetic towards women and dating in general. Sex or meeting women sounds to me like just another activity like seeing a movie or going ice skating — sure, it’s fun and I’m down if it’s convenient, but I see no reason to go out of my way for it right now. Although this seems weird to me right now considering a consistent 4-5 years of obsession (and let’s be real, this community IS obsession), logic tells me that this is a healthy place to be.

2) I genuinely have a lot more interest and passion in other ventures right now. This sounds lame, but I’d rather work on my business ventures right now than go out and meet more women. I’m more passionate and fulfilled by pursuing those goals right now. I’m also finding a reborn desire to dedicate myself to music coming back. So, honestly, those two things sound infinitely more appealing over the next 3-6 months than going out four nights a week and nailing a ton of chicks.

And that’s cool… I guess my passion all along was personal growth, and for the time being that’s moved on to other fronts.

But then again, let’s see if I go a month or two without getting laid and my tune may change pretty damn quickly.