Inner Game - Thursday, March 11, 2010 8:15 - 1 Comment

Can You Be Shy And Successful With Women?

Reader question:

I got a question for you thats been bugging me for a long time now because I can’t seem to figure it out, basically its how can you make shyness work?  I know you must get a lot of students that are introverts and shy and such and the thing about being shy and introverted is that it’s very hard to change.  Its just the way we are, so instead of changing that I was wondering if you had any advice on how to make it work.  I’m not looking for “just be more outgoing bro”, I want to know if you have any advice on using it to one’s advantage.

I think there’s a difference between an introvert and being shy. Shyness implies a level of anxiety or discomfort talking to people and/or strangers. Introverts are merely people who PREFER to keep to themselves. There are introverts who are very socially adept and who can “turn on” their sociability, whereas shy people can never really do this.

The other difference is that shyness is something that you can change — it’s a matter of getting over the anxiety and inhibitions in the appropriate social situations. Not being an introvert IS harder (although research shows that this can change throughout your lifetime as well).

Also, a warning, any time you say, “it’s just the way we are,” you’re limiting yourself and making an excuse for your behavior.

Yes, you can be introverted and very good at pick up. You don’t have to open 15 sets a night or be super loud and high energy. You can sit back, pick your spots and sets, and encourage her to talk more. The so-called “strong, silent type” can be very sexy to women.

But shyness, you HAVE to get over. That nervousness, the hesitance, the awkwardness around people you don’t know. You have to overcome that. How to do that? Well, there’s only about 8302 pages of material written on approach anxiety and social anxiety in this community, so you may want to start there.

My advice? Just do it. Throw yourself into as many uncomfortable situations as possible. Really push yourself to talk more, to open yourself up and pay attention to how you feel doing it. Eventually the tightness of the anxiety and fear will subside and you’ll quit caring so much. Sure, you may never become the rowdiest, craziest guy in the bar, but you don’t have to be to be successful.