1) The laws of passive/active attraction. This has been discussed ad nauseum on this blog in the last two months: here, here, and here. The cliff’s notes? Basically if a woman perceives you to ALREADY have more value than her, than you have to DLV yourself, compliment her and act “chodey” to get her. I just explained this in my calibration post and even provided examples! For anyone who thinks this guy is a “chode,” please go back and read all of those articles.

With that said, this guy is a BILLIONAIRE, well-connected, good-looking for his age (59), educated and probably smart as hell. His passive attraction is through the goddamn roof. Also, this woman most likely met him through a social circle and was probably already attracted to him. For this guy to do ANYTHING but write a sweet, emotional letter professing his feelings for her would be a mis-step.

2) For those of you who have listened to my audio course (downloadable from the front page), I make the point that attraction = value. Basically, we’re all attracted to what we find value in — this is true for men and women. For instance, if we value petty sex, we’ll be attracted to care-free party girls who are really hot. If we value emotional connection and a relationship, we’ll be more attracted to girls with character and personality. Aside from his billion dollars and his baseball team, this guy is demonstrating that he’s romantic, passionate and courageous (as she even points out). How many 30-year-old single women out there are looking for a rich man who’s romantic, passionate and successful? Uhh… practically all of them.

3) I tried to emphasize the point that at no point did he “give up his power” as Tyler Durden would say. This is a HUGE point for guys to understand about emotional connection, because most guys who get good at this automatically assume that anything that makes you emotionally vulnerable = chodey and needy. Not true. Pussies use their emotional vulnerability to because they’re putting the woman on a pedestal. This guy isn’t. He even says, “you don’t need to respond, I just wanted to let you know.” From an inner game perspective, he’s not being needy in the slightest, what he’s conveying is complete genuine interest — which, as we know, is one of the biggest turn-ons in a woman.

4) We need to remove the words “Chode” and “AFC” from our vocabulary. If there’s one point I’ve been constantly hammering home the last few months, it’s that “chodey” and “AFC” behavior works better than any PUA material if it’s used in the right situation and for the right reasons. There’s a reason 95% of the population uses it. I was recorded in-field by DJFuji last fall. I made out with a girl and pulled her and he commented the next day, “Dude, I don’t even know what you did. You barely said anything after you opened her. You like complimented her, bought her a drink and then took her home and fucked her.” It’s because if you have the right frame and aren’t needy, a lot of this “chodey” shit works like a charm. You just have to know when to use it.

Hopefully this makes more sense. I threw this up because this is an example contrary to typical PUA pick ups in a lot of ways. It’s good because it gets us thinking “outside the box.” And not only that, but if we’re going to have any theories about attraction and pick up, they need to be consistent in all situations, not just club skanks and college girls.

John Henry:

Dear Linda,
A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn’t really. He doesn’t need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn’t think he has and what he thinks he wants. We probably wouldn’t have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts.

So you will ask, “Why are you writing this?” Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little blue planet from my vantage point.

We feted the Celtics tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed. You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you.

I barely know you. I don’t have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a woman he knows — even tabula rasa — with the attributes that I believe reside in you. It’s the small things that ultimately matter, the subtle things.

I am honest. I don’t play games. And I see no reason not to say that I’ve been smitten by you and you’ve done me a great service.
You’ve very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer.

So thanks.

No response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he thinks he does.

Wow… Well, if anything, he’s definitely poetic and a good writer. But did this work? She does end up with him. Here’s her response:

A man may not need as much as he thinks he does, but courage and honesty should be acknowledged. I am not so naive as to believe I actually possess the qualities you attribute to me. But thank you.

Before we jump into this, there are a few things to keep in mind: 1) They’re older, 59 and 30, 2) They’re both probably looking for long-term relationships, 3) They’re both obviously very educated and have had serious relationships (or marriages) in the past.

So let’s look at this in terms of the Seven Immutable Laws of Pickup because as you guys know, the only “model” that I subscribe to is whether a certain guy is offering value to a certain girl — negs, bantering, teasing, etc., etc., is incidental.

1. Rejection – He’s obviously completely resigned and immune to her rejection. An email like this out of the blew says, “I’m putting myself out there” more than almost anything you could do.
2. Lifestyle – Billionaire. Owns the Red Sox. Check.
3. Aggression – Again, he’s sending this email out of the blue stating his interest in her. He’s pushing the issue, he’s not sitting idly and hoping she becomes interested in him.
4. Sub-Communication – This is huge because sub-communication is always determining where the attraction comes from. What does Henry’s letter sub-communicate to her? He’s poetic, that sub-communicates a depth of emotion and passion. Very attractive. He’s intelligent and well-spoken (who says “tabula rasa?”). He states his interest intently, and THEN — and this is the most important part of the letter — he says, “no response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he think he does.” A bit over the top, but this just bleeds of genuinity and sincerity. There’s no pressure on her. He’s shared his emotions beautifully and intelligently and she has no pressure to respond or return it. Not only that, but his interest was light. He didn’t say, “OMG, I LOVE YOU,” or that she’s the love of his life. He simply says, “you make things lighter, warmer,” etc.
5. Connection – he’s sharing his emotions wonderfully. Apparently she resonates with them, although she’s a bit coy. What’s interesting is her humility which indicates a lot of flattery.
6. Relationships – He’s indicating that he’s interested in an emotional connection and commitment. She can take it or leave it.
7. Inertia – Doesn’t apply to a single situation.

So assuming the following things, he’s hitting it on all cylinders: she’s interested in an emotional connection and commitment, she’s intelligent and romantic, she’s not turned off by an older man worth billions of dollars, this is going to hit her in exactly the right ways. I realize this goes against a lot of classic PUA community dogma, but if you haven’t figured it out yet by reading this blog, a lot of PUA community dogma is plain wrong.

Kudos, Mr. Henry and congratulations.

I totally agree with you that being physically imposing can be a big drawback once it comes to kino’ing. Being 6′, 220 lbs. at only 5% bodyfat, I get lots of looks and compliments from girls, and well honestly, gay guys and bisexuals too, on how I dress or how I look, but I have trouble escalating on sets that I open myself (as opposed to the ones who come to me) for the reasons you described. Do you have any tips on how to escalate as someone whose advantages are always getting in his way?

- Anonymous

OK, everyone all together now, “Aww, you’re too good looking, YOU POOR MOTHERFUCKER!”

There, now that we got that out of the way. The answer to your question is easy, based on the rules of passive/active attraction (which I lay out in the “Personalizing Pickup” series).

You’re overvalued. You’re trying to build attraction and get sexual when your look is already attractive and sexual. Therefore you come across as if you’re compensating for something.

What I recommend is to run 90% comfort game. Compliment girls more. Tell them you find them sexy. They’re assuming that you hook up with girls constantly, so they need to feel special or unique before they fuck you (or at least most of them will).

Hey Entropy,

I’m having a problem attracting women that I don’t find attractive. I’m in my late 30’s, pretty good-looking for my age and very successful. The women I attract tend to also be in their thirty’s and honestly, they’ve kind of let themselves go. What should I do?

- Jason

Date younger women. If you don’t want a committed relationship and want women who are in great shape, why the hell are you dating women in their 30’s? My guess is you have some sort of limiting belief concerning your age. I have a friend who is 49 and dates women in their mid to late 20’s. It should be no problem for you if what you say is true.

Time to ditch the hotel bars and hit the night clubs.

Is 5 supposed to represent the median girl, or the average one? Because the ugliest girls are far ugly than the hottest ones are hot. So that would mean the median girl must be significantly hotter than the average.

- Aaron

This is what I never understood about the 1-10 scale. For the vast majority it breaks down like this: 10 = ungodly hot, 9 = really hot, 8 = I’d do her, 7 = I’d do her, but I wouldn’t be proud, 6 = only if I’m really drunk and desparate, 5 and below = ugly with varying degrees.

This never made sense to me. This is another reason I recommend guys raising their standards, to have 2/3 of the scale dedicated to girls you’re not interested in seems silly. What ends up happening is you get guys debating with themselves whether she’s an 8.5 or an 8.75.

Here’s my scale:
10 = doesn’t exist except for on magazine covers and in Photoshop.
9 = A model.
8 = Super hot, the hottest girl in a nice club on any given Friday night.
7 = Hot, hottest girl in a regular bar on any given Friday night.
6 = Attractive, but not going to cause any car accidents just by walking down the street. You’ll see maybe a dozen of these on any given Friday night out.
5 = Cute, but nothing you’d be too proud of.
4 = Have to be really drunk.
3 = Ugly-but-has-potential
2 = Ugly-but-no-potential
1 = Vomit-inducing

And a side-note for all the self-righteous “You shouldn’t rate girls” assholes. I don’t care if you have a binary scale, a 1-4 scale, or a 1-52 scale, it’s all arbitrary. Answer the following question: are some women more physically attractive than others? YES! Then whether we distinguish that with a 10-point scale or a 2-point scale is completely arbitrary and not even worth arguing.

And no, just because we rate women’s attractiveness (something that every man on the planet has been doing since adolescence) doesn’t mean we’re “de-valuing” her in some way. My girlfriend is a 6.5 on my scale (8.5 on most guys’ scales) but that doesn’t mean I treat her as a 6.5. Some of the hottest girls I’ve ever gotten with were shitty people. Were they still 9’s? Hell yeah, they were.

OK, end rant.

Hey Entropy,

Can you escalate too quickly if your goal is an LTR?

- Skulder

Great question! I teach in my relationship management seminars that you ideally want to have sex with a woman AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because it gives you the widest available options as far as where to take the relationship. So you would assume the answer is “no.”

Well, surprisingly, the answer is “yes,” but to escalate too quickly you have to escalate at lightning fucking speed.

If I had to estimate, having sex with a girl in under an hour of meeting her will nix you from her “long-term” potential. Anything under 30 minutes, no question. I don’t know what it is, but when you hook up with a girl exceedingly fast, it’s like she almost doesn’t even feel like you’re real. I noticed this last year when I was getting a bunch of 30-second make-outs, the kissing would end and then there’d just be this awkward moment where the girl felt like she was in a dream or something and we had nothing to say to each other. It’s the same for fast bathroom pulls… afterward is just a horribly awkward experience.

I suppose theoretically it’s possible, but in general, the slower you escalate, the more you sub-communicate LTR expectations, the faster you escalate the less you do. In my experience, the cut off would be around an 30-60 minutes.

I hate the feeling of sleeping with/hooking up with girls that I am not that attracted to. I always feel shitty after the fact and while I might enjoy the experience I pray not to bump into that person again after. A lot of that could be due to immaturity and shallowness in general (i.e. thinking that a girls looks define how successful you are). However, I am sure that this is something that must comes up a lot in guys developments. Its not as if I am sleeping with anyone now so I always think that I should push myself to just sleep with as many girls as possible. However, I came into this to find girls that I could really like a lot not to put up numbers.

I know having standards that are too high is just a dumb copout. Intellectually that makes total sense. But there just feels something peverse about forcing yourself to hookup.

What are your thoughts on this?

This is a question I get a lot and it’s tough because my answer varies depending on the guy asking it and why he’s asking it.

Here are the two arguments:

1. The argument for hooking up with girls you’re not that attracted to is the “practice” argument. Basically, it gets you used to escalating, to getting physical and sexual, to reading signals from a girl who likes you, etc.

2. The argument AGAINST hooking up with girls you’re not into is, well… it’s that it’s not that fun.

I’ve always fallen into the second camp myself. I know some guys don’t mind sleeping with a fat chick now and then, but if I don’t find a girl attractive, I literally am not enjoying myself… I’d rather be masturbating.

So the answer here has more to do with priorities and what exactly a guy is struggling with. Doc used to regularly recommend guys with little or no sexual experience to lower their standards to get over a lot of their fears and anxieties surrounding women and being sexual. On many points, I agree with him.

But at the same time, if you don’t really have any sexual hang-ups, if you have some experience in the past, if you’ve been with attractive women before, there’s really NO acceptable reason to slum it other than to pad your stats.

Sleeping with a slew of mediocre girls is a validation trap, and in the end, it won’t get the moderately experienced guy any better with girls he’s ACTUALLY attracted to.