Mailbag, Relationships - Written by Entropy on Friday, April 24, 2009 9:01 - 6 Comments

Mailbag — Getting and Having Girlfriends

Another Friday, another mailbag. I’m in Minnesota, hanging out in some beautiful weather. Today we’re focusing more on relationship issues and getting a girlfriend. As always, if you have questions you want me to answer, either email them to me or submit them here in the comments section.

Mark,

Love the new layout of the site, sick…it looks very professional. This is kind of a two part question. Again, if you don’t have time to read/respond to this email, don’t sweat it.

What are some qualities or traits that a GF looks for in her BF?
And in your opinion, how much does great sex (assuming that is a quality she looks for in her man) account for the GF’s attractiveness to her BF, accounting for the other qualities that the GF feels attraction for said BF? I’m imagining a pie chart with all the qualities broken up and what chunk of that pie chart is great sex.

Not sure if it matters, but said GF is experienced when it comes to sex.

Thanks.
Hani

Well, the honest answer is: it depends. Just like different guys prefer different girls for girlfriends, different girls look for different traits in guys for boyfriends. For instance, a shallow, coke-blowing club whore will be more interested in how many muscles a guy has. A Ph.D student in Theology is going to be more concerned about your morals, intellect and spirituality.

That relationship drive really comes down to compatible personality and emotionall connection more than anything else.

As for sex, yes, sex plays a very important role in a relationship. On a pie chart? Again, it’ll differ from woman to woman, but I’d say sex makes up a sizeable portion (maybe 1/4 or even 1/3). I call sex, “The State of the Union” of the relationship, because it’s when youre intimacy comes together and expresses itself. So if you’re physically not able to express that intimacy with her, frustration will ensue.

As to the experience question, the more experienced a girl is (i.e., the better in bed other guys have been), the less patience and tolerance she’ll have for poor sex. If she’s inexperienced, she’ll have a much higher tolerance.

I recently met this girl who’s amazing. Hotter than any other girl I’ve been with. How do I make her my girlfriend?

- Don

I personally believe in slowing down the commitment process as much as possible. If you want a girlfriend, that’s great, but don’t rush into things. There are a few reasons for this:

1) It’s easy to get swept up in the “honeymoon” period when you first meet someone. Basically, the first 3-6 months you’re with someone, you get overwhelmed by hormones and passion and can often make stupid decisions.
2) I think it’s important to continue to date other women even if you really like one at first, it maintains an abundance mentality when you make your decision to commit.
3) Most guys underestimate the time/effort that comes with a full-time commitment and girlfriend. They’re often being needy as well.

With that said, I think it’s important to let her be the one to push for commitment. In most relationships that start out, one person wants to be with the other one more than the other. When this is the guy, women get turned off extremely easily, as you can come off as needy, or pushy. In my experience, when it’s the other way around, that’s when relationships make it out of that first year or so and equalize and become long-term and successful.

So I guess the short answer to “how do I make her my girlfriend,” is DON’T. Let it happen naturally, and let her push for it. My long answer and philosophy about going about getting a girlfriend can be read here: PUA’s Avoiding Relationships.

Hey Entropy,

I have a question that is less related to game and more to relationships. I just got out of a relationship that I was pretty invested in. The girl I was dating had a lot of things in her past to deal with and ended up deciding she needed to deal with them on her own. It was a shock because things were going great and she was frequently stating how much she liked me and making future plans. I followed the advice of Savoy from his relationship management DVDs so I think I did everything I could to keep the relationship fresh and exciting but I think in this case nothing could have prevented this.

Anyway, my question is do you have any recommendations for how to get over a break-up? Overall I feel pretty okay with it all but sometimes I feel like crap. Right now I don’t have much interest to go approach girls but I forced myself to do so anyway this weekend. Thanks a lot!

-Sal

Yes, use the emotions you feel as fuel to better yourself. Every time I get out of a break up and feel really down and depressed I harness those emotions to better myself, whether it be by working out a bunch, working on my business 16 hours a day or going out and trying new things. I frame it in my mind as,”Well, I’m going to become such a bad ass, she’ll regret doing this.” While I’m not ACTUALLY trying to get her back, it feels good to feel like you’re going to make her regret it.

If your hearts not that in approaching, I don’t know if I’d force it yet. Honestly, the best thing I found for break ups is exercise. Studies have actually shown that doing cardio speeds up emotional processing — for instance, if you feel depressed or guilty about something, running or biking will make you get over it faster than not. After a few weeks, you should start getting that “fire” again to go out and jump on every cute girl that walks by. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Focus on yourself for a few weeks, then focus on hitting on other girls.

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6 Comments

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Aaron
Apr 25, 2009 19:40

Hey entropy i dig the advice you give. It’s been pretty helpful. Your a true inspiration for guys like me who arent good looking. You show me that guys dont have to be good looking or even decent looking you just gotta have your life in order and then develop game. You write a lot of stuff about getting other phases of your life in order like lifestyle and identity which is 2 of the most important things.

Erika
May 3, 2009 8:09

Nice new website, Mark.

I’m confused though about why make a girl regret anything … ?

Entropy
May 3, 2009 9:06

@Erika: You’re not actually making her regret anything. It’s a temporary mental re-frame to get you out of crying in bed and out there moving on with your life.

For instance, if I get dumped and am very depressed about it, I’ll tell myself, “I’ll make this the worst decision she ever made. I’m going to get a six pack and a million dollars.” It’s bullshit, but it gets me motivated to get back outside again and moving on with things.

Erika
May 3, 2009 10:54

I see. lol :-)

There might be instances though where the guy is more likely to make a million dollars with the girl than without her.

Entropy
May 3, 2009 11:10

Indeed, but definitely not the six pack. ;)

Erika
May 3, 2009 15:37

mmm well that depends

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