On the bus back to Boston right now. Bus’s have free Wifi now, how sick is that?

On Saturday night, the guys I was working with and I ran into Kosmo, winner of Season 1 of VH1 Pickup Artist. It was an amusing situation that involved us blowing him out, fat chicks, some empty threats and a lot of awkwardness. But after a bit, I actually insisted that we leave him alone because despite everything he seemed like a really nice guy — just really off. I mean, he was wearing his red medallion from the show in the club, how could we NOT fuck with him?

But while I’m here, I want to rant a bit about how shitty some nightclubs are getting. A lot of these “high end” night clubs (or what they’re starting to call “Ultra Lounges” — gag) are turning into money pits.

We were at a place called M2 (or the artist formerly known as Mansion) in west Manhattan. Now, I was at this place a year or two ago and it was kinda lame then. Well, it’s taken it to a whole new level… a new level that’s becoming way too common.

Basically these clubs are beginning to operate by cashing in on people’s insecurity. Every detail of the club is meticulously DESIGNED to make you not feel cool enough. And the only way to feel cool? If you’re a guy, spend a shit ton of money. If you’re a girl, hook up with a guy spending a shit ton of money.

Let me set the scene from M2 the other night:

- You had about two lines outside… one long and for people who are on a promoter’s list or “know someone,” and then another REALLY long for all the layperson who are basically just fucked. Just the fact that there’s a line a block long that gets to watch random people cut them all night gets the insecurity started.

- Then you get inside, if you happen to know a promoter, you only pay $20 instead of $50. You get in, and you’re now pushed into two rooms that may as well be sardine cans because you literally cannot move. Why? Because 75% of the floor space is taken up by the VIP tables in the middle of the room. And not only that, but the VIP tables have gogo dancers and sparklers every time they buy a bottle, so it’s impossible for everyone to NOT notice that they have a bottle and a table.

So you end up with hundreds of people, who can’t move, can’t dance, who everywhere they look they’re forced to look at people who CAN move around and are drinking happily with fireworks and gogo dancers. You can’t talk because the music’s so loud. So what do they do? The majority of them just stand there. Why? Because they all just paid $50 and waited for two hours so they don’t want to leave. Hundreds of people just stand there and watch nothing in particular all night.

- And then you get INTO the VIP section and you’d think it would change right? No, not really. We had a hook-up with a table. And in the VIP section what did I see? A bunch of guys sitting around doing nothing, looking bored. Why? Because they had dropped the $500 or $1,000 or whatever to get a table, all 6-8 of them split it, but now they’re sitting there in the VIP section and every other table is full of 6-8 dudes who split a table. There aren’t any girls anywhere, and the few that there are, most of these guys won’t ever approach. It’s too loud to talk to their friends, so they just sit there and get wasted.

Sarging-wise, these places are so-so. You can pull from them pretty quickly, but it’s almost all non-verbal game and a lot of blow-outs. The caliber of women is often deceiving as the 10 hottest girls there are paid by the promoters to show up and stand around (promoters refer to them as the “A-Team”), and most of the other girls are either trashy or nothing special, or even worse… trashy AND nothing special.

The bottom line is, these places attract people with some sort of obsession with “being seen” or “being cool.” And as a result, you get a lot of shallow, vain people — who are sometimes hot, sometimes not — who are willing to go through this same charade, week after week, in some desperate attempt to feel “almost famous” for a fleeting moment.

I can’t help but feel that it’s pathetic. And the fact that these clubs have become so good at preying on people’s insecurity and poor self-image’s usually disgusts me. On top of that, you can find girls of just as high quality at cooler places, you just have to look harder.

I love good nightclubs, but I’ve had enough of these places. Luckily, you really only run into them in NYC, Miami, Hollywood, and Vegas. Other large cities like Chicago and Boston have them to lesser extents. But unfortunately, they seem to be on the rise because they bring in MASSIVE amounts of cash.