Humor - Written by Entropy on Friday, May 16, 2008 13:36 - 0 Comments

Faux Q & A

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This question came from a reader on part 2 of my guide to first dates–

Great post, dude!

Question for you about paying. I totally agree you don’t want to look like a cheap bastard during the date, so I always pay for the drinks, food, whatever, first.

I used to then make her reimburse me immediately, but I learned that leads to LMR to the max. So now I wait til after sex. Now, after I fuck her, I just give her a bill breaking down all the expenses and showing her share of it. (I used to do a 50/50 split, but it’s not fair to the girl. I usually eat more than her, so I want to be a gentleman and only charge her for what she consumed). I’m sure you probably do something similar to cover costs.

Anyway, my question is what to do about the lubricant. I charge her straight up 50% of the price of the condoms, but the lube is trickier. It’s hard to really measure how much I use on her and pro-rate accordingly; last girl I tried that with claimed that I overestimated how much we’d used. It’s a real problem, because I don’t get no cheap shit, I go for brand-name KY, and fuck if I’m going to pay for 100%. After all, it’s mostly to help her anyway, right?

So I’d really appreciate any advice you’d have on how to better build the lube-charge into my post-lay game.

Thanks Doc!
-FiftyFifty

Ah, a question that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time, how do you split the cost of lube?

And a good question at that, a bottle of KY is about $10 in Boston, and just forget it if you’re going to use really good lube, a bottle of that could cost you $20 – $30! I don’t care how hot the girl is… ain’t no way in hell I’m shelling out $25 just because my cock is huge and sticking it in her is the equivalent of an adult playing in a kiddie pool.

Common knowledge, like you mentioned in your question, was to figure out the cost of lube per fluid ounce, measure the amount used per session, and then charge the cost back to her. Some PUAs preferred to keep a log sheet and charge each girl at the end of the week, month, or whatever they decided as the billing cycle. Buying lube in bulk and then pouring into smaller containers with the volume marked on the bottle was a great trick for this. Of course this wasn’t the greatest solution… Who would have known that many women would have a problem smothering their holiest of holes in liquid from an unmarked bottle, given to them by a guy in a fuzzy top hat and black eye liner that they met that night in a dive bar.

Other gurus would recommend going to your local Family Planning or Student Health center because they provide free condoms and lube and stocking up there. They would then designate a drawer in their desk or night stand specifically as a “sex drawer.” Filled to the brim with condoms, single serving packets of lube, fuzzy handcuffs, dildos, and any other items they liked to introduce to the bedroom. But once again there was a problem. Family Planning gives out the cheapest condoms and lube available. PUAs everywhere did not want to DLV themselves by using non-brand name lube and were forced to bite the bullet once again and buy lube and condoms.

Mathematicians also have tried to solve this question. The most famous of them being Fibonacci. By far his greatest accomplishment was finding a formula to solve this question once and for all. Unfortunately, 13th century Italy was a little too reserved for him to publish such lewd material. And it was almost lost forever.

The real Fibonacci Sequence–

You take the girls height (X) and waist (Y) measurements.
Divide Y into X, and you get Z.
Take the square root of Z, cube the result and then multiply it by PI to get both the depth and volume of her vagina which is represented by the Greek letter Delta.

With this number and the measurements of your penis (which if you remember from junior high = your shoe size, divided in half, and +1) you can find out exactly how much lube you can pour into her black hole of a vagina and how your penis will displace the liquid and force it up the sides and out the front of her vag.

Perfect right? Not quite, Fibonacci missed a couple of important details. The first of which is the Metric system. Is it a 1/4 pounder w/cheese or a Royale w/ cheese? Are we talking centimeters or inches? Further more my US shoe size is a men’s 8, in Europe I wear a 41, and a 27 in Mexico.

He also never developed a formula for measuring exactly how cavernous a woman’s asshole really is. And when it comes down to it, anal sex requires more lube than vaginal sex.

Finally he underestimated how dumb the human race is, especially when horny and full of alcohol. Did he really think that PUAs around the world were going to pull out their Texas Instruments graphing calculators right before they’re about to stick it in her and think back to Algebra class from their freshman year of high school? Nothin’ gets me in the mood like equations baby!

So what to do?

Fear not!

I do believe I have figured out a perfect system to solve this problem… Spit, and of course when she’s on the rag, menstrual blood. Both are free, all natural, and well shit, if a guy can spit into a girl’s gaping asshole in a porn then why can’t you and I?

I have been field testing the fuck out of this lately and have already begun writing my new Ebook titled, “Spit, Shit, and Blood: Sex the way God intended**” and it should be released by the end of the summer under my pen name Doc Deholligelo and published under the “Lessen your Lubing***” product line.

* This whole post is a joke and is for my amusement only. It is not to be used as a guideline for anything, ever. Nothing has been fact checked or researched and should not be read by anyone.
** “Spit, Shit, and Blood: Sex the way God intended” is not affiliated with God, Jesus, The Pope, The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, or The Catholic Church in any way and is purely meant for entertainment value.
*** “Lessen your Lubing” copyright 2008

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